Imitation of a Light
by queensmooting
Summary: Slowly, so slowly he can't tell it's happening, Levi forgets what loneliness feels like. He wonders how he ever could have wanted to kill this man.


a/n: originally posted on ao3 on february 18, 2016. warning for major character death lol.

* * *

A week after Levi's first expedition he storms through headquarters until he finds Erwin. He's alone, standing in the hall outside the commander's office, frowning at a sheet of paper in his hand.

"You busy?" Levi asks. He fidgets from foot to foot, restless as a spark in a fire.

Erwin looks up, clearly surprised to see him. They've avoided each other. "No, I just finished speaking with Commander Shadis about–"

"Great," Levi says, and turns. "Come on. I want to train."

He doesn't wait, and the footsteps he expects come within a few seconds.

Levi takes Erwin on an outdoor run first, to burn off the angry energy. He really wants to spar but he thinks he could kill Erwin in his current state. A week ago it was his goal, and now he's taking precautions to avoid Erwin's untimely death. Levi doesn't want to think of how fast his life is changing, and so he runs, until his brain throbs against his skull and his limbs are dragging.

Erwin doesn't say a word, just keeps up, a presence more sure than any Levi has felt since he arrived. The other squad leaders and soldiers try to get him to talk, to console him about his friends. Levi will be thankful for this respite later, when he has room in his chest for any feeling but the need to move.

It's still raining when they get back to the training yard. It's been raining all day. It's what set Levi off in the first place. Isabel and Farlan are behind his eyes when he blinks and it's too much. There hasn't been enough time.

Erwin agrees to spar, and Levi feels just worn enough to go easy. They take off their jackets but leave everything else on, exchanging blows they're too tired to put any heart into. It ends when Levi lands Erwin on his back. Levi's arms are shaking and he grips the front of Erwin's shirt to steady himself, hardly thinking.

"Are you okay?" Erwin asks, not making a move to get up.

Levi meets his eyes and there's no anger, no accusations, nothing but concern. For a moment Levi can almost see the future Erwin's given him. Then he realizes what he's doing, how this must look to those who still think Levi to be a murderer in their midst.

Instead of answering he jerks back to his feet. Levi extends a hand and Erwin takes it, lets himself be pulled into standing.

It's the first time he's touched Erwin without intent to hurt. Levi never planned to make it a habit.

They go back inside, and the rain lets up.

* * *

Levi has never been the type to overthink. He is gut instinct and snap decisions, and when put into action his intuition acts as a balance to Erwin's weeks of strategy. After a few relatively successful expeditions Hange calls the two of them a dream team. Levi calls Hange a nightmare, mostly because they're a new friend and it makes them laugh, but Hange's right more often than not. He and Erwin begin working together and Levi grows used to his presence. He forgets to hate him.

Erwin's frustrated that he can't do more. One day Levi sees it in the way his lips are pursed as they review reports in the drawing room.

"When you're commander," Levi says. "Maybe we can start making some actual progress."

"When?" Erwin repeats, flipping a page over without looking up. "I know you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting."

"That old Shadis would serve better as titan shit than commander? No, definitely not."

Erwin doesn't say anything, but the set of his mouth relaxes a little. Somewhere along the way it's become alright for Levi to joke like this and not be seen as something to be contained. The Corps is split, with half hallowing him for his skills on the battlefield and half still narrowing their eyes in suspicion when he walks by. Only Erwin takes all Levi's prickly edges with a grain of salt. Erwin doesn't fear or revere him, at least not out loud.

"I'm as likely to end up titan shit as Shadis," Erwin says.

Levi senses Erwin is biting his tongue. He wants so badly to see him let loose.

"Better looking titan shit, anyway," Levi says.

Erwin glances up, and Levi suddenly feels self-conscious. They're sitting across the table from each other, a meter from touching and yet too close.

"Slightly," Levi adds, leaning toward his stack of papers to hide the pink tinge in his face. "Slightly better. Not that it takes much to look prettier than–"

The door swings open and Shadis is there. Levi meets Erwin's eyes and nearly chews his lip clean off in an effort not to laugh.

"Squad Leader," Shadis says, and Erwin turns, completely composed. "I need a word."

"Yes, sir," Erwin says, moving to stand.

He takes the long way around the table and squeezes Levi's shoulder as he goes. It's quick and casual, and Levi's never been the type to overthink, but he thinks about this for several minutes after the door closes again. His skin tingles under his collar.

Erwin is publicly named commander the following week. He's rising fast, and Levi can only hope to hold on as he goes. He's more than grown used to Erwin's presence. He's grown to like it.

* * *

Levi finds peace in the Survey Corps. It's an exhausting and busy sort of peace, a peace that comes with unending war, but it's a routine he can follow. There's training in the morning, assemblies in the afternoon, evenings spent in halls that are becoming familiar. Levi tends to his horse when he craves solitude, finds one of his squad mates when he doesn't. He's always understood fighting and he's learning to understand the rest: the politics, the need for teamwork.

Along with everything else Erwin's become a part of his routine, too. Since assuming command his workload has tripled and his sleeping hours have halved, so Levi picks up slack where he can. He learns Erwin's quirks, how long he can go without rest and when he needs to be pulled away from the job for his own sake.

Erwin opens up to him gradually, masks sinking away with every work session that lasts too late into the night. He tells Levi things he swears he's never told anyone else, his dreams, his darkness. Levi sees it all, and he sees someone in whom he can place faith for the future, something he's never had much of before. He wants to fight for Erwin's vision. He wants to see Erwin standing victorious on the edge of a free and open world, alight in the sun.

Levi reveals pieces of himself in return, finding it only fair. There comes a time when Erwin knows nearly everything there is to know about Levi and he still lets him in, still trusts him with all he has to give. Slowly, so slowly he can't tell it's happening, Levi forgets what loneliness feels like.

He wonders how he ever could have wanted to kill this man.

* * *

He gets hurt on their next outing, a stupid mistake. It's not even a proper injury, but it could get infected, so Levi takes immediate precautions once they're back behind the walls.

"Humanity's strongest," Erwin says. "Bested by a branch."

Levi laughs, really laughs, the kind that makes him feel the beginning of wrinkles around his mouth and eyes. He hates the nickname but loves the way Erwin says it, like he's actually part of the humanity he's fighting for.

Erwin brings him bandages and a wet cloth. Levi's sitting on the couch in Erwin's office and examining his cut in a hand mirror, a thick line that falls from his temple to below his jaw, still bleeding a little.

Levi simply wasn't looking. A titan appeared at the front of the formation. It was a normal type Erwin was more than capable of handling on his own, but Levi still had to watch, to make sure. The branch caught his skin as he flew by, and the idea of the dirt still festering in his skin bothers him more than the way it stings.

"May I?" Erwin gestures toward the bandages, and Levi realizes he's asking permission to touch.

Levi isn't sure what it is about his height that makes people think it's okay to just touch him. He's had his back patted in passing, his whole body moved to the side if he's standing in someone's way, and even had his hair ruffled a few times by strangers in his youth before his practiced glares and fists put a stop to all that.

So it means something that Erwin asks first.

"Yeah," he says, and he knows why the blood warms in his veins when Erwin kneels down in front of the couch.

They're thoughts Levi's had before, has tried not to dwell on, but they're hard to avoid when Erwin's this close. His fingers are gentle on Levi's chin when he turns his face to the side, and Levi hardly winces when Erwin starts cleaning the wound. He smells Erwin when he breathes and he feels Erwin's own breath warm against his cheek. Levi shuts his eyes tight to keep them from fluttering.

"Are you alright?" Erwin asks, mistaking the gesture for pain.

"Yeah, it's…yeah."

Erwin's quiet for a moment, working carefully down the side of Levi's face, then his hand rests at the top of Levi's cravat.

"Can I…?"

Levi nods, still not trusting himself to open his eyes. Erwin loosens the cravat just enough that he can slide it down. He places a hand at the side of Levi's neck, uses a thumb under his chin to angle Levi's head up so he can clean the last of the blood. Levi wants to ask why he's doing this for him but his heart is already beating hard enough against Erwin's palm. All he can think is that he needs more of this, or otherwise needs to run, maybe be alone in the shower for a while before forgetting this ever happened.

"I've been wanting to talk to you about something," Erwin says.

For a wild moment Levi's slight dizziness leads him to think that Erwin knows everything, is reading his thoughts.

"What?" Levi says.

Erwin drops his hands to grab the bandages and Levi opens his eyes, relieved and missing the contact at once.

"I'd like to promote you," Erwin says. "It's a little unusual, but I got permission from Zackley. I want to name you captain."

Levi frowns, confused, but his entire body relaxes when Erwin brushes Levi's hair aside to begin taping on the bandage.

"We don't have a captain now. What does that mean? What'll I be?"

"It means you'll be whatever I need you to be," Erwin says.

 _A weapon_ , Levi thinks, if only so he doesn't give Erwin's words time to have an effect on him. His proximity is making Levi's head a little slow.

"And whatever you want to be, of course," Erwin says. "You'll have a say in how things are done, how many you want in your squad, and so on. There, this shouldn't even scar."

He runs quick fingers over the bandage to make sure it holds, then rests back on his knees, giving Levi a little breathing room.

"Hm. Thanks."

"Of course. Since you'll be my second-in-command there'll be meetings, more politics…you'll have to accompany me a fair bit–"

"In that case, no," Levi says. "I don't think could stand seeing your face more than I already do."

Erwin isn't too humble not to know better, and he laughs.

"You don't have to hurry to a decision," Erwin says. "Take your time, think about it. I won't be hurt if you–"

"Sure," Levi says. "I'll be your captain."

It's worth it if only for the way Erwin's face lights up in pleasant surprise. Levi's gaze drops to Erwin's neck, where he can see the faint outline of the scar he gave him only a few years ago. He can't reconcile the scar with the way Erwin makes him feel now.

Levi isn't sure why he said _your_ until he's staring at the ceiling in bed, trying to chase away the feeling of Erwin's hands in the memory of his skin. There's no one else he'd do this for. There's no one else he believes in like this.

* * *

He learns to live with longing. There's the skip in his heart that happens when he sees Erwin unexpectedly, the ache in the joints of his fingers when he wants to touch him, and a need for something more. Levi's sure it will go away in its time so he lets it happen, concentrates only on what he can control.

When Erwin expresses doubt after a mission gone wrong Levi comforts him in the ways he knows how, with distractions and affirmations and choice insults for their naysayers. He uses his words until he eases some of the hurt in both their hearts, but Levi wishes he could use more than words. Sometimes he thinks if he could only hold Erwin close he could make him realize his worth, but he tucks these thoughts away before they can take root. And it works, for a while.

Levi isn't afraid of this until he realizes his feelings toward Erwin are turning selfless. There's a day when he watches Erwin practice with his gear in the purple light of dawn, and Levi only wants the best for him. He wants Erwin to be happy, even if it means without him, and Levi knows any chance of getting over this is gone.

He can't imagine what else love could feel like.

* * *

In Shiganshina everything goes to hell fast, and Erwin has him make another choice.

Levi sees the kids being swarmed on his left, Erwin being overwhelmed on his right. Erwin, who shouldn't even be down here.

He knows what he has to do, knows what Erwin will tell him to do, but his heart sinks into his gut, a weight to slow him.

"Go!" Erwin shouts, fighting back an abnormal with one arm.

 _Damn you_ , he thinks, and rushes to the left.

His cuts are jagged in his hurry but they do the trick, and in a few minutes Levi clears a path for Eren's titan form to carry the others through. The moment it's done he races back to where he last saw Erwin. There's no sign of him, and he feels a rush of sickness that makes his legs weak.

"Levi!" Hange calls, hurrying to join him on the rooftop. "He's alright, I made him get back on the wall. Stubborn bastard."

Levi looks until he sees him, alive and relatively unharmed. Erwin's surveying the city again.

"Probably looking for his damn truth," he mutters under his breath.

"What?"

"Thanks Hange," he says, grips his blade tighter to channel his frustration. "Let's go."

Levi doesn't see Erwin again until the battle has calmed, until flares go up to regroup in the heart of the city before moving onto the Jaeger house. He sees him coming and moves to stop him before they can rejoin the others, well out of sight and earshot.

"Levi," Erwin says, and Levi's wound too tightly to note how relieved Erwin looks to see him. "You were–"

"I told you you shouldn't have come," Levi hisses. He grabs Erwin's collar with both hands, tugging him down to meet him eye-to-eye.

"Levi–" His eyes are wide, their noses nearly touching.

"Don't ever do that again."

"Do what?" Erwin asks, an edge to his voice now.

"Put yourself in that position and then make me leave you."

Levi breathes deep. It sounds ragged and makes him self-aware again. He lets go and Erwin relaxes, doesn't bother fixing his shirt. Levi can't meet his eyes anymore.

"I told you I would live to see this moment," Erwin says. "Don't you trust me?"

 _I want you to live for more than this_. The words want to explode out of Levi and he takes another calming breath.

"Of course I trust you, shit, Erwin. And I want this for you. But you have to let me help. Don't try and be a hero, you've done enough of that."

"Levi…"

"Just be more careful." Levi's already embarrassed by his outburst and he rubs the back of his head, restless in every cell. "Okay?"

Erwin doesn't respond and Levi can't take another second of the weight of his gaze. He's not sure what he'll find there if he looks, so he walks away.

* * *

In the end Levi is only glad Erwin survived. After they return, armed with information from the basement, Levi goes to him with a mix of apology and forgiveness. Erwin has already forgotten the matter, or so he says. He's drawing up plans for the next outing, invites Levi to sit down. Levi, who's never needed an invitation.

Erwin sets his pen down after a while, curls his stiff fingers in the air. It reminds Levi of the ends of the cigarettes Erwin had taken up years ago, only once, only in a moment of weakness after losing sixty soldiers on an expedition. Levi urged him to quit before it ever became a habit, and Erwin listened. Even now Levi wonders if it meant something, that he did listen.

He wonders a lot of things, in the slow evenings between planning and training when his mind has little else to do. He wonders if Erwin ever thinks about him when they're apart, or when he lies awake at night, that brain of his overanalyzing everything in his life. Levi wonders would Erwin would do if he ever confessed to him.

Levi knows him like he knows the power in his bones, and he doesn't have to wonder too hard. Even if the impossible were true, even if Erwin felt the same, he would never let himself have this. He's made a career of denying himself everything good, and Levi knows this would be good, if they gave it a chance.

"I'm sorry I worried you," Erwin says. He smiles ruefully. "I'm sorry I'm already planning to worry you again."

"It's what you do," Levi says. He tries to make it a joke but he just feels small.

It's quiet for a moment, then Erwin meets his eyes. There's something vulnerable there Levi's never seen before, and he can't look away.

"Sometimes," Erwin says quietly, "I think you're the only…"

He trails off, then shakes his head. "Forgive me. I'm just tired."

"Then get some sleep," Levi says easily, despite wanting to demand Erwin finish his sentence, curiosity burning in his chest.

It sticks with him, what Erwin didn't say. Against his better judgment Levi lets himself feel hope.

* * *

The last time they're alone together Levi is standing on Erwin's desk, straining on his toes with a duster in hand.

"Who made these ceilings so fucking high anyway?" Levi grumbles, trying to catch the last stubborn bits of a cobweb. "It's not like we have titans strolling around in here."

"If Hange had their way we might," Erwin says, and Levi snorts.

"See, this is why you have to stay alive. It'd be madness without you."

Erwin hums thoughtfully but doesn't respond.

"Whatever," Levi says. "You just want to watch me struggle."

Levi glances over his shoulder and Erwin is indeed watching him from his chair, eyes openly fond in a way he never sees when others are around. Levi makes Erwin wear a cloth mask when he's cleaning so he doesn't get sick on loose dust particles, but Levi doesn't need to see Erwin's mouth to know he's smiling.

"Like the view?" Levi jokes.

Erwin raises his eyebrows, and Levi grins under the cloth covering his own mouth. He turns away before he can do something stupid like blush and hops up and down a few times to catch the rest of the cobweb.

"Graceful as always," Erwin says.

"Shut the hell up," Levi says. He tosses the duster down and tugs off the rags on his mouth and the top of his head, shaking his hair loose. "A fat load of help you were, by the way."

Erwin's looking at the same report he's been poring over for an hour, and Levi sweeps it aside with his foot. He sits down in the same spot then leans toward Erwin, reaching behind his head to untie the rag. Erwin shivers when Levi touches his hair, or perhaps it's Levi's own fingers twitching. Being close to him still affects him like this.

"You're welcome," Erwin says when Levi sets the rag aside. He reaches for the report again but Levi snatches it, holds it behind his back.

"You've done enough," Levi says sternly.

Erwin watches him for a moment, then he sighs slowly.

"Thank you, Levi."

In the silence that follows Erwin's gaze wanders, over Levi's neck and across the slope of his shoulder, down to his hip. He lets his hand rest on the desk, an inch away from Levi's leg.

All these years Levi's avoided touching him because he didn't want this to grow worse. He looks at Erwin's hand and wonders again if it could possibly be mutual. His breath catches in his throat and the room is quiet enough that Erwin hears it, meets his eyes.

It's a summer night, and everything is so warm and slow that it lulls Levi, makes stupid impulses fill his mind. He's dreamt of moments like these existing after the titans are gone, of sitting close and comfortable, aimless conversation floating between them. He's dreamt of things idle as sliding off the desk and leaving a kiss on Erwin's forehead before going to make them both some tea. They're thoughts that do not belong on the eve of an expedition, but the air is muggy and Levi's dreams feel too sluggish to chase away.

He could tell him right now, it'd be so easy. Levi's wanted to tell him so many times. Sometimes Erwin will get a look in his eyes as he spoke of his failures and Levi wants to tell him, if only to finally show Erwin his self-hatred is unfounded and undeserved.

The words curl around his tongue, push at his teeth. Levi swallows.

"Go to bed," Levi says, and his throat feels like sandpaper.

Erwin looks surprised, but it's so subtle Levi doubts anyone else could have picked up on it. No one else sees him like this, not ever, and the thought makes Levi want to take back his words. He wants to close what little distance there is between them, go to bed with him, forget everything looming in the morning.

"Alright," Erwin says.

He rises to his feet, an inch away from standing between Levi's legs where he sits on the desk. Erwin's eyes fall to where his hand is resting by Levi's thigh and Levi follows his gaze, waiting for a moment they both know will never come. The stillness stretches until Levi can feel it, the silence a physical presence between them.

"Good night," Erwin finally says, and goes to his bedroom without looking back.

When Levi remembers how to breathe he eases off the desk, slumping into Erwin's chair with a sigh.

Levi stays and cleans for a while after Erwin goes, then checks on him later in the adjoining room. Erwin's asleep, Levi can tell by the way he looks younger in the sliver of starlight from the window. Years of leaving morning tea on his end table have taught Levi which creaky floorboards to avoid, and he moves closer until he can crouch at Erwin's bedside.

Erwin's a heavy sleeper but Levi still doesn't touch him. He traces Erwin's features with a hand that stays several inches away. Levi wonders if he'll spend his whole life wanting, if he'll ever get used to it.

He whispers the words Erwin deserves to hear, the words Levi's too afraid to give to anything but the dark and deaf night. Then he stands to go.

Levi feels like he's left something behind, but he shakes it off.

* * *

When they return to the walls everyone tiptoes around him, as if they're afraid he'll snap, but Levi feels like his strength was taken with Erwin. After he saw Erwin fall Levi took down a record number of titans and then simply stopped, or so he is told. Everything blurs.

As soon as he can get away he shuts himself in Erwin's office, which he supposes is Hange's now. Levi tells everyone who asks that he's going to get it ready for Hange. Only Mikasa tries to follow him, and he knows she's concerned. He knows she understands.

"Go check on the–commander," he tells her. The word trips in his mouth, suddenly sounds foreign. "They were his friend longer than I was."

Mikasa doesn't look convinced but she's finally learning to listen when it counts. Levi closes the door and looks at the empty room.

He doesn't waste time. Levi goes for Erwin's bed, sits down and touches the pillow. He considers taking it in his hands, seeing if it still smells like him, but the thought knocks the air out of him, sends everything he's trying not to feel up into his throat.

Instead he considers his own shoulder. He remembers a hand there, broad and burning even through Levi's layers. The hand was taken but Erwin had another, and it too touched Levi sparingly. For all that they didn't touch Erwin would look, and Levi is glad he allowed himself the one indulgence.

He shuts his eyes tight, willing the guarded affection in Erwin's gaze to reappear perfect in his memory. With his eyes closed Levi pulls his collar aside, fits his palm over his neck, longing to recreate a feeling from years ago. His hands feel empty.

In the end Levi's only as human as Erwin always knew him to be, and he lays down.

He'll give himself five minutes to grieve, and then it will be time to get back to work. He's sure Erwin, who gave Levi everything he could, would allow him that.


End file.
